Fear of Work

            I have long struggled with a fear of work.  Since a child, beginning I do not remember when, I have worried that work will somehow destroy me.  I fear losing myself if I devote myself to work.  The fear seems to be of losing my personal conscious self:  perhaps it is a fear of the ego, a fear that the ego self-consciousness will be extinguished.

            In fact, there is a disappearance of the self, or a self, in work.  To work is to devote oneself to something else.  In work, one becomes no longer a receiver but a producer.  The object of one’s experience is not the self but some other, where, further, the end of one’s actions is not the preservation of the existing self but the creation of something else, something new.  Complacence comes to mind in relation to the ego-self – a self pleased with itself and unwilling to part with it.  Work involves giving up this pleasure for something psychologically leaner.

            My fear of work has a relatively distinctive child’s voice and affect:  will I be alright?  Will I disappear?  What will become of me?  A fearful child who needs comforting and reassurance.  I don’t know why no one never took this child by the hand and showed it that it was okay to die – that it was okay for its present self to be extinguished and another to emerge in its place.

            Work requires courage and creative scholars and artists may find that their work requires great courage, where this work is very personal, or involves many aspects of the person.  In such cases, the self that faces annihilation is extensive and deep-seated.  To the extent that one’s work investigates the soul, it may require the courage required for facing death.

            Jesus’ death is an important religious symbol.  He faces the fear of death, overcomes it, dies, and is born again.